Capture Your Grief- Day 4

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Day four.

The now.

Now after grief.

Now?

I carry a weight around.

I carry the ugly cloak of grief.

I live every single day with out my child.

I smile when I want to scream.

I cry when I’m alone.

I fear everything.

I wonder each day if I’m going to lose another child.

I’m broken.

But in still standing.

I’m fighting tooth and nail to LIVE.

Not just to survive.

I fight to be happy because it is what I deserve.

I speak my daughter’s name and am determined to make a difference for grieving parents.

I get up every day with the goal to make her proud.

Yes I am broken but I am still standing.

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Capture Your Grief- Day 3

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I’m a little behind, so I’m starting on day three.

Before grief I was happy. I could smile without feeling guilty. I could have hope without bracing for the worst.

A lifetime ago, before grief. Before the words that changed life forever.

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Pre-grief and post color me rad run. This is 6 months before her birth.

October

There are 4 days left until it is October. Honestly I’m not sure how to get through the upcoming month. This time last year was our last “happy and normal” week of pregnancy. Next week will bring the one year mark of when things went downhill.

The 2nd, the day her cord doppler was found to be extremely high and something looked off with her heart. The 3rd, the appointment to hi-rock and the blood test that changed it all.

I’m scared. I feel like I’m suffocating. I’m choking back tears all the time. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that we are 21 days away from the one year mark of my child’s birth and death.

I was so fucking happy. She was so desperately wanted. She was needed here. She shouldn’t be gone. I shouldn’t be terrified of the upcoming month. But I am. I’m not ready for this.

 

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What I would give to go back to this day.

11 Months

Yesterday marked 11 months since my sweet girl was born.

11 months since I held her in my arms.

It seems like as time goes on it should be getting easier.

I guess in some ways it has.

The days spent hiding under my blankets ARE actually fewer.

But then the days that my grief really hits me, it’s like I’m starting over.

I’m handing her over to Rose, to never see again.

The scabs and scars I’ve so carefully built up are ripped off and doused in alcohol.

My son went to the doctor today and it slammed into like a ton of bricks.

October 14th 2013 I had taken him to the doctor and later that day my world stopped.

I love the fall, it’s always my favorite time of year.

I’ve always wanted an October baby.

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

I thought a Halloween party would always be so much fun.

An October angelversary, not so much.

I miss my sweet girl.

I’ll be going throughout my day and the thoughts of what if come creeping in.

I always wonder how different my life would be if she was here.

I wonder if her hair would have stayed red.

I wonder what color her eyes would be.

What would she think of Rylee and Emmett.

I just can’t decide if with every passing day am I one day further from her or one step closer to seeing her again.

With as much as I struggle with my beliefs I know there is something more.

I know I will see you again.

One day I will hold you in my arms and not have to give you back.

The forever baby

I hate hearing people say “I wish they would stay this little forever”

Or being upset about another birthday because they are another year older.

Wishing they would go back to being a little baby because they were just so cute then.

I hate it.

Every time I hear those words or see them written out online I cringe.

I have a forever baby.

She will never grow up.

I’ll never get the chance to celebrate her birthday with her.

I’ll never watch her giggle while opening her presents.

I’ll never have a picture of her any older.

I will never see her growing up.

You just can’t imagine the pain that brings (unless you are going through this too and if you are my heart hurts for you)

You can’t understand what it feels like to want to have a picture of her time lapsed just so you can see what she might have looked like.

You don’t understand the pain of planning out a memorial celebration for that first birthday instead of picking out a smash cake and party theme.

You just can’t understand.

There is no growing up for my daughter.

She will forever be 1pound and 8ounces.

She will forever be a picture frozen in time.

She will forever be a baby.

My baby.

 

Heartbreak in one picture

My two living children never met their sister.

We decided it was best for them to not come to the hospital while we had her.

It would be too hard to have them there we thought.

It is better this way.

I wish I could go back and redo it.

I wish they had the chance to meet her.

I wish they had the chance to hold her and love on her.

I wish I had just one picture of the three of them together.

My life is filled with I wish.

It’s hard to believe it has been almost a year already since she was born.

Almost a year since she died.

I’m amazed I’ve made it almost a year without my child.

But this isn’t about me.

This is about them.

Specifically my son.

He was 3.5 when Annaleigh died.

It was so hard to explain to him that she wasn’t going to come home.

He was so mad.

Over and over he said “I don’t want Annaleigh to die, I want her to come home”

Her being sick ment the doctors should give her yucky medicine and she would get all better.

Over and over “I want her to come home”

They were never told that she was cremated.

I’m not exactly sure how to explain that one to them.

They have never seen the box that holds her ashes.

That is until the other day.

Emmett came into the bedroom Sunday morning, we were still in bed and Eric had her box holding it.

He sat there watching his daddy hold this box.

Something clicked in his head that this box was connected to Annaleigh.

He started taking to her and kissing the box.

After a few minutes he asked if he could hold it.

Almost a year later my son held his baby sister.

Never did I imagine it would be this way.

We sat there watching him hold her box so gently.

And again he started saying “I didn’t want her to die.”

“I really love Annaleigh, I just wanted her to come home.”

Oh me to baby.

I wanted her to come home too.

He doesn’t think of himself as a big brother.

His little sister was stolen from him by an extra chromosome.

He will always be her big brother.

She will always be his baby sister.

Death can steal a lot of things but it CAN NOT stop love.

 

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I’ve probably told this story a thousand times

Thinking back to my pregnancy with Annaleigh usually makes me laugh at how incredibly spunky she was. She was such a brat I would say. Already making trouble at appointments. Needing to have her picture taken each time. She was going to be my high maintenance baby. Pretty hard to do considering Emmett had colic and screamed the first four months of his life pretty much non-stop.

Anyway she was always the worst to her daddy. She would be moving all over the place kicking and punching like crazy the kids would feel her but never Eric. As soon as day tried to feel she would stop. It never failed. And he would get onto her because daddy wants to feel you move too!

Stubborn little thing. I swear I have no clue where she got that from ha!

One night I was laying down on the couch and she kept kicking my hand. So I motioned to Eric too come over and feel. He comes over really quietly and can see her making my belly jump then she stops. Just like that she is done and he once again won’t feel her.

This time he lays his head on my belly and is talking to her, and kissing my belly. He turns his head and BAM she kicked the crap out of him. And you can just imagine her in there thinking there you go daddy! That a good enough kick for you?
Right to the face.

It is by far one of my favorite memories of her. She got him good. We laughed about it for a long time. Annaleigh, master of baby karate.

How well am I really doing?

Over the past month

 

I don’t cry anymore.

But I don’t feel much anymore either.

I’ve completely turned off my emotions it seems.

This horrible life isn’t actually mine.

My baby didn’t die that happened to someone else right?

It’s just a sad thing but it isn’t  my life

And that is the best way I have coped lately.

 

 

And in the past few days

I think I have cried enough tears to fill an ocean.

I look at her pictures and I just can’t believe/handle that my daughter is gone.

My kids are both in school and for the first time in the 10 months since her death I am alone.

Completely alone.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

My child wasn’t supposed to die.

I should be spending my days taking care of a baby.

Not crying because she is dead.

Not second guessing every single choice I made.

Not pleading with a God I don’t even think I believe in to let me wake up because seriously this can not be my life.

She was so fucking perfect.

So tiny and the most adorable little thing I’ve ever seen.

I can close my eyes and still feel the softness of her skin.

But somehow she is gone.

Somehow she is dead.

Somehow I was supposed to fit a lifetime into 6 to short hours.

Somehow this is my life.

Someone please tell me what the ever loving fuck I did to deserve this because I would really like to know.

 

 

My baby didn’t die

I’ll let you in on a little secret, my baby didn’t die.

My daughter died. She was just a baby at the time of death.

She might not have made it home but that doesn’t make her any less my daughter.

Her being just born doesn’t make it better.

It doesn’t make her death easier to swallow.

But that doesn’t stop people saying well at least you didn’t really know her

At least you didn’t have time to get attached

At least it wasn’t Rylee or Emmett

Let me make this perfectly clear to you

THERE IS NO AT LEAST,

My child is DEAD

She isn’t coming back.

And we are left here to deal with that.

We are left here without our daughter, not JUST a baby.

Because she is, was, and always will be more than just a baby.

She is my Annaleigh.

For the rest of my life I will wonder who she would have been..

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It’s been 9 months

I just don’t know how too feel.

It’s been 9 months since Annaleigh was born.

9 months since she died.

12:31 hit today, I want looking at the clock. 

I was actually outside.

But I knew when it hit. 

I felt it. 

It spread from the inside out, till I was left crying and shaking.

The world has moved on.

People have forgotten.

I wish the didn’t.

I miss my girl with every breath.

She should be here.

She would be crawling by now.

She would be babbling away.

My kids would be each other’s best friends.

It would be the three of them.

Instead I think of how they is one missing each time I buckle them both into the car.

Every time we leave the house one is missing. 

Heartbreaking doesn’t even being to describe this.

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If give anything to hold her again.