October

There are 4 days left until it is October. Honestly I’m not sure how to get through the upcoming month. This time last year was our last “happy and normal” week of pregnancy. Next week will bring the one year mark of when things went downhill.

The 2nd, the day her cord doppler was found to be extremely high and something looked off with her heart. The 3rd, the appointment to hi-rock and the blood test that changed it all.

I’m scared. I feel like I’m suffocating. I’m choking back tears all the time. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that we are 21 days away from the one year mark of my child’s birth and death.

I was so fucking happy. She was so desperately wanted. She was needed here. She shouldn’t be gone. I shouldn’t be terrified of the upcoming month. But I am. I’m not ready for this.

 

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What I would give to go back to this day.

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