11 Months

Yesterday marked 11 months since my sweet girl was born.

11 months since I held her in my arms.

It seems like as time goes on it should be getting easier.

I guess in some ways it has.

The days spent hiding under my blankets ARE actually fewer.

But then the days that my grief really hits me, it’s like I’m starting over.

I’m handing her over to Rose, to never see again.

The scabs and scars I’ve so carefully built up are ripped off and doused in alcohol.

My son went to the doctor today and it slammed into like a ton of bricks.

October 14th 2013 I had taken him to the doctor and later that day my world stopped.

I love the fall, it’s always my favorite time of year.

I’ve always wanted an October baby.

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

I thought a Halloween party would always be so much fun.

An October angelversary, not so much.

I miss my sweet girl.

I’ll be going throughout my day and the thoughts of what if come creeping in.

I always wonder how different my life would be if she was here.

I wonder if her hair would have stayed red.

I wonder what color her eyes would be.

What would she think of Rylee and Emmett.

I just can’t decide if with every passing day am I one day further from her or one step closer to seeing her again.

With as much as I struggle with my beliefs I know there is something more.

I know I will see you again.

One day I will hold you in my arms and not have to give you back.

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