The forever baby

I hate hearing people say “I wish they would stay this little forever”

Or being upset about another birthday because they are another year older.

Wishing they would go back to being a little baby because they were just so cute then.

I hate it.

Every time I hear those words or see them written out online I cringe.

I have a forever baby.

She will never grow up.

I’ll never get the chance to celebrate her birthday with her.

I’ll never watch her giggle while opening her presents.

I’ll never have a picture of her any older.

I will never see her growing up.

You just can’t imagine the pain that brings (unless you are going through this too and if you are my heart hurts for you)

You can’t understand what it feels like to want to have a picture of her time lapsed just so you can see what she might have looked like.

You don’t understand the pain of planning out a memorial celebration for that first birthday instead of picking out a smash cake and party theme.

You just can’t understand.

There is no growing up for my daughter.

She will forever be 1pound and 8ounces.

She will forever be a picture frozen in time.

She will forever be a baby.

My baby.

 

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4 thoughts on “The forever baby

  1. Kaitlyn I love you.. do you care if I copy and paste this to share your story. This is so beautifully written and every word it true . Being a mom to a forever baby is I think the hardest thing to ever have to go through . It tests us on a daily basis but it also somehow makes us stronger bc each day that passes, we are 1 day stronger. That also means that 1 more day has passed since they left us. 1 more day in the past. A typical birthday party for Hannah and sophie is spent on the side of the road, outside, with no balloons or cake, no friends or family, silence and heartache. It’s an awful party that I honestly dread every year . I miss and love my twins very much but every birthday I’m reminded of the awful thing that has happened to my family and I’m angry and
    sad.how could this be..this isn’t real but it is. It’s a nightmare I live every day as do you and many others. We are survivors , every day is another day we have beat and it’s hopeful 1 day closer to being with them again. I’m so sorry Kaitlyn , thats all I know to say. It’s just…I’m just so sorry!! ♡♡♡♡

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