How well am I really doing?

Over the past month

 

I don’t cry anymore.

But I don’t feel much anymore either.

I’ve completely turned off my emotions it seems.

This horrible life isn’t actually mine.

My baby didn’t die that happened to someone else right?

It’s just a sad thing but it isn’t  my life

And that is the best way I have coped lately.

 

 

And in the past few days

I think I have cried enough tears to fill an ocean.

I look at her pictures and I just can’t believe/handle that my daughter is gone.

My kids are both in school and for the first time in the 10 months since her death I am alone.

Completely alone.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

My child wasn’t supposed to die.

I should be spending my days taking care of a baby.

Not crying because she is dead.

Not second guessing every single choice I made.

Not pleading with a God I don’t even think I believe in to let me wake up because seriously this can not be my life.

She was so fucking perfect.

So tiny and the most adorable little thing I’ve ever seen.

I can close my eyes and still feel the softness of her skin.

But somehow she is gone.

Somehow she is dead.

Somehow I was supposed to fit a lifetime into 6 to short hours.

Somehow this is my life.

Someone please tell me what the ever loving fuck I did to deserve this because I would really like to know.

 

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “How well am I really doing?

  1. I am so saddened and sorry about the loss of your precious baby girl. There are no words I can say to make it better. Just know that I’m thinking of you and you did nothing wrong, you did what was best for your little angel. Ignore the rude people that have no heart. HUGS, HUGS, HUGS.:(

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s