Over the past month
I don’t cry anymore.
But I don’t feel much anymore either.
I’ve completely turned off my emotions it seems.
This horrible life isn’t actually mine.
My baby didn’t die that happened to someone else right?
It’s just a sad thing but it isn’t my life.
And that is the best way I have coped lately.
And in the past few days
I think I have cried enough tears to fill an ocean.
I look at her pictures and I just can’t believe/handle that my daughter is gone.
My kids are both in school and for the first time in the 10 months since her death I am alone.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
My child wasn’t supposed to die.
I should be spending my days taking care of a baby.
Not crying because she is dead.
Not second guessing every single choice I made.
Not pleading with a God I don’t even think I believe in to let me wake up because seriously this can not be my life.
She was so fucking perfect.
So tiny and the most adorable little thing I’ve ever seen.
I can close my eyes and still feel the softness of her skin.
But somehow she is gone.
Somehow she is dead.
Somehow I was supposed to fit a lifetime into 6 to short hours.
Somehow this is my life.
Someone please tell me what the ever loving fuck I did to deserve this because I would really like to know.