Grief doesn’t make you a better person

A few weeks ago there was so much hate, so much ugliness, and pure evil spread throughout the baby loss community. This is a community no one wants to join. We are that club you want to stay far away from. And most of the time we are fiercely loyal and protective of our own.

Yet I learned something very important that day. Just because you have lived through the impossible, just because you have lost your child, just because you grieve every day, grief doesn’t make you a better person.

Some incredibly brave mothers spoke out about a special kind of loss. I would have been honored to share my story with them.

No one wants to think about ending pregnancy for medical reasons. For those who haven’t been through this kind of loss it isn’t even a blip on your radar. No one intends to get pregnant so that their child can die. No one willingly asks for that.

And then you are told the impossible. Your child is sick. Incompatible with life. There is no hope of getting better. There is no chance for survival.

You are told your options even though you want to run away. You are told about tmr, termination for medical reasons. You are told you can do nothing continue the pregnancy and wait for your child to eventually die. Or you can deliver early and have comfort measures only. They all suck. They all end the same. A dead child and a broken heart.

You didn’t expect this to happen. No one ever does. This wasn’t supposed to happen, especially not to you.

This is the child you have loved and dreamed of from the moment you saw that positive test. This is this child you wanted more than anything. You’ve thought about names, of holidays, their high school graduation. You’ve dreamed of their babies you will eventually hold and love. A lifetime with this child.

And in one moment that dream is shattered. Your child is dying and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. And now you have to make the biggest decision of your life. Do you continue or do you stop.

There is no right answer. There is no good answer. There is no winning in the end. What is right for some isn’t right for me. What was right for me wasn’t right for others.

For me and my family the right choice was to end my pregnancy with Annaleigh. It was right for us to have her born early. To have her on comfort measures only. To end her suffering, and in my eyes remove life support. We chose to see her alive. We chose to give her a peaceful passing in our arms and surrounded by love.

My daughter is loved, she is missed, and she is cherished. If she could have been saved she would be here. She was desperately desperately wanted. It took years for me to get pregnant, it took fertility treatments that took their toll on my body to have her. It took weeks of bed rest and shots to keep me pregnant, only to be told she was going to die. Never once did I want this to happen.

Yet there are those out there who say horrible things about those of us who have been given this horrible choice. They say we don’t deserve to grieve. We didn’t really love our children. We deserve to be murdered the way we murdered our babies. We don’t deserve sympathy or compassion. We are monsters.

When I first read the comments made about these brave mommas my heart broke. How can they say those horrible nasty things. How can they say I deserve this. I’m not monster. I’m a momma who would have done anything to bring my baby home in a carseat instead of an urn.

I was given a horrible choice, one I still can’t believe had to be made, and I did what was best for my daughter. I gave her a life that was full of love for her short time earth-bound. I thought of her, not myself. Because it was never about me. It was always about her.

Grief doesn’t make you a better person. There should be no judgement in this community of lost children. We are all living in this same hell of not having our very loved and wanted children.

Your grief is no better than mine and mine is no better than yours. My story is my own, there is no other like it. Just like there is no story like yours.

Instead of judging, instead of throwing around hate, let’s give love instead. Because we all have broken pieces where our hearts should be, it doesn’t matter how your child died. I’m just sorry that they did.


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