Breaking

I feel like for every step forward I have made lately I’ve taken at least 10 back.

This week has been so hard.

I have no idea why it has been extra painful. I’ve cried every single day. I don’t normally do that anymore.

I’ve wanted to give up so badly.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of being brave.

I’m tired of being stong.

I want to give in.

I feel like I have failed.

I failed to give her life.

My body failed to keep her safe and healthy.

I failed to give my family this child.

My daughter lost her little sister.

My son lost his chance to BE a big brother.

My husband lost his daughter.

And then I still couldn’t give them a healthy baby.

I miscarried our last chance.

I’m grieving these two children.

I’m grieving the loss of what I dreamed my family would be.

I’m tired.

I’m ready to just break.

Why me? Just why?

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One thought on “Breaking

  1. I lost my daughter in 2008. This poem is to all the mothers who have lost a child, i hope it will bring you some comfort.
    What makes a mother? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother? And i know i heard him say. A mother has a baby this we know is true. But God can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you? Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some i send for a lifetime, and others for a day, and some i send to feel your womb but there’s no need to stay. I just dont understand this God i want my baby to be here. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then i saw a tear. I wish i could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with all the other children and say… we go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much i got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her every day, and when she goes to sleep, on her pillows where i lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, mommy dont be sad today im your baby and im near. So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born in my home, and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through. And on the day you come home, they’ll be at the gates for you.
    So now you see what makes a mother, its the feeling in your heart. its the feelings you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know your the best one!

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