Feeling judged

This journey of grief is a lonely one. I feel judged most of the time. Sometimes by those who are supposed to understand,sometimes by those who thankfully don’t.

I’ve lost friendships, I’ve distanced from some friends and family, because they just don’t understand. They think I should “get over it” or that I should grieve in private. I shouldn’t be so open about it. I linger too much, or I make myself sad. I should be more accepting because she was sick and dying anyway.

Lots of people like to pretend she didn’t exist, that I’m not really grieving.

I usually feel safer in the babyloss community. Where I can say things that “normal” people might think insane.

But what happens when I feel like I don’t fit in there either? I feel judged by them as well. They would do anything for their babies to live. And I let mine go. And for that I feel judged. Those passing comments of how it shouldn’t have been a choice to make, it should have been left God.

Or the judgment because I’m not a religious person. I don’t consider myself an atheist because I do believe there is something out there just not what people around here for the most part believe.

I feel judgment because I’m anxious. Ok more than anxious, I’m a complete basket case. But I can’t control it. I can’t reason with myself and understand that ok you sound kinda out there. And man it hurts when I put myself out there and talk about my struggles and have it made out to be just that I need to chill. I’m putting too much pressure on myself. I can’t help it. Do you think I like being afraid to leave my house some days? Or that I have vivid nightmares of my other children or my husband also dying in front of me and not being able to stop it? I wish I could just chill.

And when I go out of my comfort zone and talk about these things, I wish I wasn’t judged about it. Because that hurts. It makes me feel like this is even more my fault, that I have one more thing to feel guilty about. That I should be able to control this better or at the very least keep it to myself.

Maybe I don’t want to keep it to myself? Maybe the only way this isn’t going to be so taboo is if it is voiced. Maybe sometimes I just need someone to say it is ok I understand. Somehow we will get through this.

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