The weekend before Annaleigh was diagnosed I decided to set up the nursery. I had painted it a few weeks before while Eric was at work. So positive that everything was ok. She was healthy and would be coming home with us.
Sunday night I set up her bed. Fixed all the sheets and her little blanket, tucked her Sadie bear in to wait for her. I just knew it would be ok. MY baby wasn’t going to die. It wasn’t a blip on my radar. We dodged that one when they didn’t take her the week before over her cord doppler. She would have down syndrome, no big deal we would manage.
And then as we all know it didn’t happen that way.
So for all this time her room has been set up. It stays there, the bed still set up, the clothes still hung up and smelling like that fresh baby smell. I go in there all the time, I’ll go through every piece of clothing. Tourchering myself with it if I’m honest. All the sweet outfits saying little sister, or the ones that match some of Rylee’s clothes so my girls could be twins for the day. It’s all there. and I go through it and go through it till I’m a crying mess.
So this weekend I’ve decided that I’m going to go through it. I’m going to save a few things I couldn’t wait to see her wear and send them in to be made into a patchwork bear. I’m packing some of them up and sending them to a friend so her rainbow can wear them. And the rest of it will be taken back to the store or sold.
It makes me feel sick. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I want it gone though. I don’t want to keep looking at it and thinking about what should have been. I do that enough anyway. I’m painting the room. I’m not going to get my rainbow like I had wanted, and I want that reminder gone. I want the nursery that is supposed to be full of life, that is instead frozen in time and in death, gone.
I want it out of there. I have enough reminders of the daughter who never will use her room. I don’t need a nursery thrown into my face. So instead it will become a playroom for the kids. A place of joy and not sadness. Where laughter fills its walls instead of the sound of me sobbing.
I just don”t understand it, how is this my life?