After Annaleigh died we were told that we could have genetic testing done to see if either one of us is a carrier of some kind of genetic disorder that may have caused her trisomy. We figured no we don’t want to go through that it was just a fluke thing. (And honestly what if, what if I’m a carrier? How would I handle that) So we just kinda decided to leave it be and pass on testing.
Then we lost Jack Jack. My nurse and midwife urged me to get the testing done. We are afraid your eggs may be bad they said. So we made the appointment. Except it was at the high risk specialist. The ones who told me my baby was going to die. That place I never want to step foot in ever again in my life.
Nope not going, can’t do it and youu can’t make me. I refuse to go sit in that waiting room with all those pregnant women. Honestly we went back and forth for days on whether we should go or not. It took till an hour before my appointment time for me to decide there was just no way I could go. There was no way I was ready to be there again. Walk those same halls and relive that moment over and over again.
It’s been a little over a month now. And I still can’t go. Somehow I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that.
I wanted to have that third baby so bad. Tried to have one for so long, and I did. Except I didn’t get to keep her. Instead she died from a chromosome disorder with no cure.
My heart can’t take anymore loss. I can’t grieve another baby. I can’t. I can’t take the anxiety of another pregnancy and all the risk and testing that would go along with it. I’m stronger than I ever thought I was, but I know that another loss would shatter me.
I’ve always wanted to have a huge family. I’ve always wanted to have five kids. But now? The risk is too much for me. The thought of this heartbreak is too much. So as of now my family will just be complete with two living children. Because there is no fixing this hole that is left by the losses of my others.
I can’t say that in six months this will remain how I feel, but I honestly don’t see it changing.
This morning I called my doctor to get birth control pills. Now I love my doctors everyone in that office has always been wonderful.Today I spoke to someone new. She is now officially my least favorite person.
I tell her I wanted to leave a message for the nurse about getting a prescription for some pills, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Instead I’m left staring at my phone wondering if there is anyway I can reach my arm through and smack the shit out of this woman.
Instead of letting me simply leave my message she says no you will have to come in and be seen. I told her I was just there in February, I know what kind I want and honestly since my baby died its hard to come into the office. I have panic attacks from going there and can I please just see if the nurse will call some in.
And what does this woman with a winning personality have to say to that? Well are you breast-feeding?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Yes bitch I’m breast-feeding my dead baby. Seriously? Did you not listen to a word I said?
After an eternity of stunned silence I manage to at least reply that no I’m not breast-feeding my baby is dead like I just said. You idiot.
So after this stellar phone call I’m left with no pills, no message for the nurse, and an appointment for next week that I will not be going to.
At the end of today all I can think is let’s all remove the warning labels and let things work themselves out, mmkay?