A different kind of loss

But a loss all the same.

Two incredibly faint little lines. Pregnant. We did it! And it was on our second try.

Holy shit!

Our rainbow baby! This one due to come the day before Annaleigh’s birthday.

I planned out our family costumes for Halloween already. Rylee would be a Dalek, Emmett a cyberman, Eric the doctor, me rose, and the baby would have their carrier dressed as the Tardis.

The nursery, it will be set up as doctor who and Harry potter combined. Names are already picked Lucy and Harrison.

Only an hour in panic sets. I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. Looking for blood already. Wondering how I’m going to face the testing we will have. How will we survive if this happens again. And then suddenly it does.

I head in to the doctor to see what is going on. Blood work and I’m on my way.

It’s still hard going in to my doctor. My blood pressure goes way up. I’m shaking almost the entire time. And at some point the tears always fall.

We have to wait till the next morning. And again I hear that I’m sorry. Again my baby is dead.

Four months. Two losses.

My Jack Jack. We had you for such a short time. You were ours all the same. Desperately wanted and forever loved. Missed terribly, just like your big sister.

A different kind of loss but a loss just the same.

When I said I wanted another baby and to not have to put them on my shelf, this isn’t what I meant.

Sometimes I wonder how much more my heart can break.


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