Rage

Today has been nothing but anger.

Pure rage really.

To many pregnancy annoucements that just plain hurt.

6 to be exact.

Each one stung just a little bit more.

I hate that they hurt.

I hate that I can’t be happy.

I don’t wish this on anyone, I really don’t.

I just want it to be me.

But its not.

And I am fucking pissed.

I’m pissed that getting pregnant is a struggle for me.

I’m pissed that me and my husband are constantly looking for new information on infertility.

I’m pissed that my bidy doesn’t do what it is supposed to.

I’m pissed that treatment is not covered.

And I’m REALY FUCKING PISSED that MY baby is dead.

She is dead and there was absoultly NOTHING I could do about it.

Yea did you get that? THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD FUCKING DO.

SHE DIED.

SHE WAS SICK.

INCOMPATIBLE WITH LIFE.

Yet people want to judge.

They want to say that we didn’t do enough, we didn’t pray enough, want her enough, or the best we let her die, we killed her.

Yea we let her die.

Fuck you, all of you who have said that.

Everyone who has judged us.

Not that I have to explain this at all, but I will.

We didn’t kill her ok? She was sick. There was no getting better and it was an imposible choice we were given.

Wait or have her now.

We decided to see her ALIVE.

She was alive ok. You understand? She was born and then she died. But she lived. it may have been only minutes but she lived. She was breathing. She moved. I held her hand.

And then we gave her back.

I had my third c-section for crying out loud. I did that so she had the best chance of living through her birth.

Those who say we didn’t pray hard enough God could have saved her, screw you. What the hell kind of god is that.

Or we didn’t want her enough. Really? I don’t carry around enough guilt? you want to tell me I didn’t want her enough? You have no clue what I went through to have her.

How dare anyone judge me and what I’m going through. How dare you try and tell me I was wrong. How dare you say what I feel is wrong. And how dare you say this was my fault.

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