A thread

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
To sing sweet lullabies
Wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barley hanging on

I will carry you- Selah

Last night was filled with nightmares of you. The images of my dream playing over and over today. Terrible terrible images. Most nights I long to see you in my dreams, but never like this. My fear got the best of me I think. I’m so afraid of something happening to you. I know it is silly nothing can hurt you now, but the few things I have of you, I’m terrified to lose.

Today has been rough. I’ve cried more then I normally do. Yesterday I was so focused on trying to be ok. Today it caught up and kicked my ass. I just want to go back. Back to the day before your diagnosis, the day you were born, back to when I was ok when you were alive and I was happy.

I want to be selfish, not selfless and let you go. I want you back. I don’t want to be living here without my baby.

All day I’ve looked at your pictures, it seemed like I took so many but really I have less then two hundred. That is it. No more. Fear grips me what if I lose them? What if the house catches on fire and I lose your ashes, or somehow your blanket gets washed? So much I just panic about. I have no control. My faith has been shaken to the core.

I had to go through them over and over. I had to pick out every.single.thing. that was a sign. Something to prove to me that you really had it, because sometimes knowing is not believing. I looked up other babies with it just to see how you would compare. I never really want to take off my rose colored glasses and see the signs. They are there I know that, I just never want to see them. You were perfect, perfectly Annaleigh.

I miss you so incredibly much, but I am so glad you chose me too be your momma. I love you baby.

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies
No more teary eyes
Who could love her like this

I will carry you while your heart beat here
Long beyond the empty cradle through the coming years
I will carry you all your life

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