The weeks following

The first few weeks following Annaleigh’s death were horrible.

We got home and what do you do? I just had a baby but she isn’t here. She is at a funeral home waiting to be cremated.

We had to pick out her urn. Luckily my mom found a beautiful keepsake box. It’s absolutely perfect. Well as perfect as can be when your baby is dead.

My milk came in after a few days. What the hell do I do with this. It hurts, I have no baby to nurse I have no need for my pump. Yet here I sit in pain from engorgement. Weeks of this it was horrible.

I had a C-section. I was recovering from major surgery. It hurt every time I would cry which was often. Two weeks after she was born I had to go to the doctor. When I got to the office all my nurse knew was that I was there for a postpartum check up. How awful it was for everyone when she asked where the baby was. Stunned silence. I wanted to scream. Instead I froze. I couldn’t move I just stared at her.

The actual appointment passed quickly. We were told that he cleared out any scarring and endo I had before he sewed me up. My bicornate uterus looks really good. Three babies has stretched it out pretty well. We were given the ok to try again as soon as we wanted to.

The sunday after she was born we left the house to get pictures of her developed. I needed her to be seen in my house.

Getting them printed was so hard. I felt like I had to protect her from wandering eyes and I was just waiting on someone to comment on her looks. The first ones came out strange, the color on my phone had messed up. It was horrible I just cried and cried.

Eventually we got them fixed and were able to put them up.

Most days passed in a complete blur. I’d cry and feel like I’d never stop. Her room sat closed and I’d have to look away whenever I walked past the door.

Eric had to go back to work, Rylee was back in school. It was just me, Emmett, and the cats. Gommer was still mad at me for leaving him poor thing, I guess I smelled different or something as well. Toby always seems to know when I need love the most he comes and lays in my lap while I cry.

It all feels the same. I get up take Rylee to school, come home lay down, pick her up cry in car rider line, fix dinner and go to bed. I don’t sleep just lay there. Not every day is like this I know but it feels like it sometimes.

Today we are at thirteen weeks and two days. Today I woke up and left the house. I took Toby to the vet, then went out with my mom and grandma. Today was normal, ordinary. Some days are better then others and I guess today is one of them.

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