Spinning out

Today is your three month birthday precious girl!

You know before you were born I wondered how I’d handle two little girls.

Would Rylee be jealous of you?

She has always been my sweet girl so what do I call you?

Yes these questions kept me up at night.

I was flat out terrified of having two girls.

Then you came out and were put on my chest and there was no question, you were my precious girl.

Rylee is my sweet girl, Emmett is my best boy, and you are my previous girl.

Today has been so hard. I thought yesterday would be bad, I did nothing more then cry and breathe.

But today was worse. I spun out.

Today I did one of the worst things I do, I got up and I got on Google.

This is a terrible terrible thing for me to do. I question everything.

You did not look like a typical trisomy baby. I have to believe that was a blessing.

But it leaves me questioning, what if they were wrong. What if you had translocated or mosaic trisomy 13. What if you could have lived with this.

I know the answers, I know you really had it, I know there was nothing I could do. If there was anything they could have done we would have done it.

I know this but when I get online and I read things, I can’t help but think what if.

I sink quickly when that happens. Thank God for a kick ass support system. Best friends to pull me back from the edge. To let made know that it’s not true I didn’t let you die.

Thank God for that.

Your candle and your best friend Lucas’ candle burned bright today. It was all I could do.

Me and daddy have talked about you a lot tonight.

We still can’t believe it’s been three months. Then again I feel like I have lived a thousand years without you.

I miss you more then words can say baby. I would do anything to hold you again.

I know it would never be enough.

Nothing will.

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