What should have been

Today, January 16th, 2014.

What should have been your birthday.

The one year anniversary of papa’s death.

My papa baby.

Instead of you being here today, it has been 13 weeks since I held you. At this time 13 weeks ago I was finishing up in the OR and being taken back to our room.

Today you are with your papa instead with me. I’m feeling selfish and jealous.

I want you here. I want to be having you today. I want you healthy.

I want to ignore today. I’m actually doing a pretty decent job of that.

Daddy is working, sissy is at school, and Emmett is here with me playing.

Everyone is dealing in their own way.

Every Thursday I wonder how I’ve made it one more week.

How I’ve made it this long without you.

I just want you back.

I don’t want this life.

I want to go back to my blissful denial that this can’t happen tho me.

I don’t want to be a loss momma.

I just want to have all many kids here with me.

I don’t want to be trying again, yet here I am doing just that.

Hoping that you will soon be a big sister.

Hoping that the next one, I’ll get to keep.

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