Guilt

I struggle everyday with the guilt of Annaleigh’s death.

I know they said it was a fluke, it just happened. But what if? What if I hadn’t taken Clomid? What if I had taken more folic acid? What if I didn’t want her enough. What if I’m being punished for something.

What if…

The what ifs kill me. They go on and on they never stop.

I can sit here all day and tell my friends they didn’t cause their baby’s death, and I don’t doubt it for a second. They didn’t. So what don’t I believe it for me?

I wonder all the time was she scared? Did I do everything I could to make sure she was loved? Did I hold her enough? That one is stupid. Of course I didn’t hold her enough. A few hours is not enough.

I thought we would have more time. I never expected to lose her. That was just not something that happened to me. That only happened to people behind the screen. But not me. Not my family.

Was the test right? Were the doctors right? God what if they were wrong, she looked so perfect. No they were right they had to be. She was dying we knew that. But still, what if.

Then the should haves. I should have kissed her again. I should have taken more pictures. Asked them to bring her back. I should have done things different. But no matter what it still would never be enough.

I shouldn’t be living here without one of my children but here I am. Am I sad enough? Do I cry enough? But then I’m too sad or I cry to much. How can I be this sad I have two others to take care of. But I should have three.

The rest of my life I will live without one of my children. It fucking sucks. Nothing will ever be the same.

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