hello and goodbye

We made it to the doctor early for the ultrasound. One last look at our girl before she is here. Oh the pain of seeing her alive when in a few hours she would be gone. Her fluid was so low. She wasn’t going to make it much longer. Her little face was just perfect on ultrasound. She reached up by her face and have a thumbs up. As if to say it’s ok guys this is right.

Oh my sweet girl why? Why you. It’s just not fair. We got videos and I recorded her heart beat on my phone. Then it was time to go to the hospital. We had to go up to the front to make sure they were ready for us. The waiting room was so full by then. So many pregnant bellies, so many kids. It was too much and I broke down again. I was just like them last week. How quickly it all changed.

Having to sit and register before you have a baby should be fun. When your baby is going to die it isn’t. By the time we finished I was in tears, Eric, my mom, and the lady taking our information were too. She brought us to the rear elevators so we didn’t have to see anyone. We went straight to our room at the back. We met the charge nurse and got my iv started. Now warned her that we are completely inappropriate cuss a lot and humor is how we cope so hopefully we don’t offend you. She assured us then that we would love our nurse. That is great because I don’t know what we would do if we didn’t.

Rose oh my wonderful wonderful rose. We did love her. she was our guardian angel. She came in and explained things to us. Annaleigh will be very small, she might not cry, she might have a cleft, but she won’t struggle. We will love her and she won’t have pain. She might live only second, or a few hours. With the shitty circumstances that was all we could hope.

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We decided at that point to paint my belly and take our last belly pictures. At that point my daddy was there the kids were with my aunt and Eric’s mom was on her way. Everything was moving so quickly. I wanted time to stop. I wanted to meet my girl.

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My doctor came in and went over things, the anesthesiologist came in, the nicu supervisor came in. It was almost time to go. Blair and rose came in it was 12pm. Show time. I asked to hear her heart beat one last time and get a print out of it. It was already slowing down. It was time.

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We walked back to the or and I went in. Eric had to wait in the hall till my spinal was in. Blair and rose held on to me while it was placed. Dr. B stayed with Eric in the hallway. It took about 15 minutes to get me ready and then Eric came in. I was dizzy from the spinal and felt like I was going to fall of the table I told Eric I was going to close my eyes because it made the spinning stop.

12:20 everyone was ready and they got started. I was prepped and there was no going back. I asked if they could drop the drape so if could see her born. I didn’t feel anything really during surgery. I looked at Eric and told him that we had to keep a stiff upper lip, no crying while she is here.. She deserves nothing but happiness and love while we have her.

At 12:31 they dropped the drape and there she was. Oh my beautiful baby girl. She looked just like Emmett with little red fuzzy hair like Rylee. She was perfect. She never made a sound. Not a single cry. They wiped her off wrapped her up and put her on my chest.

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Oh how happy we were. She was here. She was alive. She gasped a few times trying to catch her breath. She was so beautiful. I wanted to feel her. And they put her on my chest. Skin to skin. I held her hand. We just stared at her and smiled. I didn’t even notice the rest of my surgery. It was all just her. At some point they to her and wrapped her back up.

They wheeled me back to the room with Eric by my side and oh we were so proud to show her off. My parents, were there, Eric’s mom, mamaw and, brother. They all there to see her. I just smiled and smiled. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was.

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Rose went out to call the photographer from now I lay me down to sleep that we had on hold. We took pictures ourselves. I kept kissing her little nose and rubbing her cheeks. Eric beamed every time he held her. His mom held her for a little while. And shortly after they left. My best friend Amanda came to meet her. And I remember telling her I’d let you hold her but I’m not letting her go.

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At 2:39 we let the doctor come in and look at her. She said what we already knew and she was pronounced. It was so surreal. I still just couldn’t be sad. She was to perfect. The photographer got there right after. We had decided to wait until she was there to take pictures to have Annaleigh weighed and measured. She was 1pound and 8ounces. 13 inches long and her head was 8 inches. She was so tiny. Like a little doll. When she was unwrapped she got poop all over the photographer. We took so many pictures. After about an hour she was done.

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My brother came to see her and oh how it hurt to see him with her. One of my favorite outfits for her aid my uncle rocks and he sure does. We knew time was coming to an end and Eric took her and read her Horton hears a who.
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I asked rose for a basin so that we could give her a bath. Eric washed her and I read her the sleep book. It was very peaceful. We took a few more pictures and said our goodbyes.

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to give her back.

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I didn’t cry. I don’t know how. I guess I was just too numb. I felt nothing. No pain, nothing. I was up and walking around by 7pm. My night nurse came in and couldn’t believe I was her patient. There I was just hours post-op bent over digging through my bag. Thinking back now it was probably just shock.

My dad and brother took care of the kids and my mom stayed with us. By that time the floor was full and there was someone in the room behind me. Me and Eric managed to fit in the little hospital bed together and finally fell asleep trying to drown out the heart beat coming through the wall with the tv.

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7 thoughts on “hello and goodbye

      • It’s almost a year and a half here. Becky and I still second guess our choices, too. I think that’s just part of the deal.
        It’s a situation where you can’t make the right choice, because we’re not thinking clearly, but you can’t make the wrong choice, because that was made for us.

        Sorry. Deep reading day here! 🙂

      • Yesterday was 15 weeks, today is earth shattering saddness here. We were given horrible circumstances when our girls were taken. I’m so sorry you and your wife “get it”

      • Trust me, we don’t want to!
        Earth shattering sadness is really familiar.
        What I didn’t know before is just how many of us there really are.

        Welcome to the loss family. We all come from somewhere terrible, but this may be the best thing that the Internet has ever been part of. This is a tight group.

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