And the trap door opened

The doctor got down on my level and looked at me and as long as I live I’ll never get the memory of his word out of my mind. It is forever frozen there.

“Sweetie I’m so sorry but this baby just isn’t going to make it”

I think I screamed. I know I started sobbing and clung to Eric. It wasn’t true this wasn’t happening. No I screamed no. It was not true she was not dying. She had down syndrome people live with that every day. Why what was going on. What did she have.

Two words.

Trisomy 13.

No.

No.

They are wrong.

They have to be.

Not my baby.

Not my little girl.

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I clung to Eric and we cried, the room spun. The floor dropped out and we fell. The doctors, and techs, were all still in the room talking. There are 4 of them, and they are talking to each other about what we wanted to do. Some one handed me a box of tissues.

Do they want to terminate, no they are past 24 weeks they can’t. Well what do they want to do? I lost it I screamed at them we are still fucking here. Why don’t they ask me what we wanted. I’m right here. I guess that snapped them out of it and they all left the room except the geneticist. She stayed and went over it with us.

None of it mattered I knew what trisomy 13 ment. There was no chance of survival. None. And she was dying already. She was squirming as we sat there. She wasn’t dead yet, but oh how it hurt. Her image was still on the tv and all I wanted was that to go away.I wanted to break it. I wanted to hit that doctor. I wanted them to hurt like I hurt.

Do we have questions?
Yeah how the fuck did this happen. It was a freak thing. 1 in about 10 to 15 thousand. One extra copy of chromosome 13. No reason just an accident. No one’s fault.it just happens. We are that statistic. A fucking statistic and shitty luck.

What is going to happen.
We will know more when we talk to my regular doctor, they were informed Friday. So everyone knew but us.
We can induce, or do nothing. She could make it to full term but we don’t think she will make it two more weeks. She is deteriorating quickly. But sometimes they make it to full term. And live for minutes to hours to a few days. The longest is a few months but with a lot of help.

Do I need a c-section or can I just be induced?
That is up to the doctor.

We are free to leave when ever. When we get too the parking lot and break down that is ok just wait. When we are on the way home and break down pull over it is ok. They will call that evening to see how we are doing.

We are alone and the first thing I say is we can’t let this break is apart. This can’t ruin us. I just want to leave I want out of this place. We walk out and get almost to the elevator and there is a guy completely high and I just want to hurt him. How dare it be me. Why my baby. We did everything right. Yet here is this new dad who can’t be sober. Fuck this. Fuck him. Fuck everything. I hate this I hate everything.Eric moves me picks me up drags me pushes me I don’t know but somehow he gets me on the elevator and the doors close.

I’m completely numb at this point. We make it down to the lobby, so close to the door out of this place. This horrible place.I never want to see this place again.

I freeze, I can’t move I can’t breath oh God my baby is going to die. Eric managed to get me to a chair and the tears came again. I punched the chair, everyone was staring at us. Why won’t they stop staring. But wait why hasn’t their world stopped? Don’t they realize mine has, don’t they get it my baby is dying. She is dying and I can’t stop it.

Somehow we get to the car and manage to get to my mom’s in one piece. I walked out to the sun room where she was sitting and I didn’t have to say a word. I just cried and clung to my mom. Why couldn’t I be little and she have magic kisses and make it better. Oh God how do we tell the kids?

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I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I finally managed to tell her that she had trisomy 13. But I couldn’t say she was going to die. I sat in the floor for a while then called my cousin to tell her. The entire family was waiting, they were expecting to hear from us that everything was fine. That word again fine.

My mom called my Gramma and told her. My cousin came over and I just stood there. I was numb. Being numb was good. It was nice not to feel. I couldn’t cry it just wouldn’t come out.

This next part is hard to say, I don’t like admitting it but I want to remember. I want to remember everything so here goes.

At that point I hated Annaleigh. I hated it every time she moved. I hated feeling her roll and kick, the very things I had been so excited about just hours before. Why, why her. Every single move stabbed me like a knife. A reminder of what I was losing. I would scream at my belly begging her to just stop. Stop moving don’t you know how much it hurts. I would scream but at the same time I never wanted her to stop as long as she moved, as long as she was inside she was ok. But then she wasn’t really ok was she. She was dying and staying inside me wouldn’t change that.

Phone calls started coming in. I can’t guys I just can’t. She is dying and I just can’t talk about it.

We had to decide what to do. I knew what we had to do though. I couldn’t keep her inside me wondering every second is she still here or is she gone. I couldn’t keep her inside me struggling, she had shown us the week before her heart rate was dropping how many times had it before and since then.
And most importantly I needed to see her alive. If only for a minute.

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