Waves hi

Holy shit ya’ll has it really been over a year, ok more like 2 years at this point. There were so many times I wanted to sit down and write, or I did but the words wouldn’t come, or they sounded like shit. Then life gets all in the way. And depression sneaks its way into the cracks and you think whats the point anyway. The next thing you know life is completely different then you could have ever imagined it and its 2 years later. My poor neglected little blog space.

So if you’re still out there hiiiii! I’m back, as long as life allows me to spend time with my screen.

Lets play catch up.

Still curse like a sailor, you know you missed it.

Still navigating life and parenting after loss

Still bitter, but better too

Still infertile, yet more so then we thought. Fuck it

And still sarcastic as ever.

And then there is so much newness

I become a doula, my hearts true calling. I specialize in bereavement which is an entire post in itself.

I had my tubes tied which has made me a better person. Yes I meant to say better and not bitter. You read that correctly.

And the biggest change of all.

We adopted the most amazing little girl. My heart just oh it explodes. She is amazing and perfect and the cutest thing ever. The way she fits in our family, it was just meant to be. It all ties right back into Annaleigh.

There are so many things I want to say and so many feelings and thought I need to put into words that I just don’t even know where to start. For tonight I will leave you with pictures. And hopes of a post tomorrow while so many thought are bouncing around, and grief threatens to swallow me whole.

 

 

 

 

Without you

RENT
Without You Lyrics

Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows

Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play

The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly

Without you
The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die without you

Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves

Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash

The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry

Without you
The moon glows
The river flows
But I die without you

The world revives
But I know blue, only blue
Lonely blue
Without you

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats

Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walks
The lungs breathe

The mind churns
The heart yearns

The tears dry without you
Life goes on but I’m gone
‘Cause I die without you

Without you
Without you
Without you

This song rings so true. The world continues to turn life goes on but mine stopped. The me from before died with her.

Today has been bad. Grief attacks and flash backs out of no where. It’s like a slap to the face, wow my daughter is dead. She is really dead. D-E-A-D DEAD. I just can’t wrap my head around it still.

She was here.
I saw her.
I birthed her.
I held her.
She breathed.
She moved.
She lived.
And then she died.

And yet the world kept right on turning.
My child is gone and somehow I’m still here.
It’s amazing to me honestly.
You hear so often that you just must be so strong, if that happened to me I’d just die. I don’t take that as a compliment by the way. What choice do I have? I have to keep going. I have to keep living as hard as it is.

Goodbye 2014

ef1479bd56ed3c30b8017b004ef362f7

Well here we are, the end of another year. This year was not the year I’d planned by any means. But it was a good year still. I thought before October 2013 that this would be the year I brought home my third child. Then I thought this would be the year I got pregnant with our rainbow baby. But that didn’t happen either. And in some ways that is ok. Yes it’s disappointing but it gave us time to heal.

8a7fe65e5df29fd249a4c13322d7e33f

Crossing my fingers

I met some wonderful people this year and I’m so thankful to be able to call them my friends. It’s amazing to me how these people were strangers before last October, yet they mean so much to me now. I’d have never made it through without them. They are my people. I’ve finally found my people.

921f4bc38fb6d7710b5e67ab5d472892

We acquired two more furbabies this year. One on purpose in the form of my Luna love, the cutest little miniature schnauzer ever. And yes she is named after Harry Potter. And the second in the form of a kitten thrown away by some horrible people. Lucky for Doby (yes also after Harry Potter, noticing a theme?) Eric had seen him and well he’s so stinking cute he just had to stay. But now with four cats, two dogs, some fish and a gecko the farm is full. And Gommer or oldest cast might murder us in our sleep if we bring in anyone else, he’s grumpy like that.

10203636981793999

Meet Luna

10205277989018154

 

And Doby, who thinks he is a flower.

 

My Rylee girl decided to try cheerleading this year, which caused me to come way out of my comfort zone. They needed a coach and since I am a stay at home mom who you guessed it I was coach. My cheerleading experience consisted of one season of charge when I was maybe 8ish. Yea I was worried I would be awful. But oh my gosh I’m so glad I volunteered. Those girls did amazing and we had so much fun. They worked their butts of and I am still so proud of them. Plus it made me smile. I enjoyed it and had fun, which was so very needed.

10204701203078866

 

Emmett started preschool this year and man has it been a huge change. He loves it so much and his teachers are the best. He loves all the painting and crafts he does. And he finally had made himself some friends. I love his excitement. And the silly songs he sings.  I can’t believe 2015 will bring a kindergartner and a 3rd grader! Where has time gone?

10204565057315307

 

We survived the first full year without Annaleigh. It wasn’t easy and I’m lying if I say there aren’t times when I just wanted to give up. But I didn’t and I’m glad. We celebrated her birthday with kindness acts in her memory, and a huge thank you to my friends who joined us and left out your own kindness acts for her. It filled my heart. We kept to ourselves for the most part that day. We spent the day in the mountains together and had cupcakes for her. Not how I thought it would go but a nice birthday for my sweet girl.

10205177756192396

 

All in all it was a pretty good year. Not what I expected but good none the less. I can’t wait to see what next year brings.

7010e6a3d4b8154c19a6e450e1fc043b

 

Hello 2015

Thanks for the reminder

Apparently babies r us likes to grind salt into my wounds. You would think after having me call them sobbing and begging to be taken off the call and mail list they would. But no. Today’s was especially hard because it hit right where I’m hurting right now. Babies first Christmas is coming up! This should be her first Christmas. She should be walking by now if she was to be anything like her big sister and brother. My tree would be a disaster from her drabby little hands and not just my cats. My heart wouldn’t have this constant throbbing pain. So thanks babies r us I wasn’t hurting enough.

When life is just plain hard

It’s been awhile. Things have been rather difficult. I’m slightly at a loss for words. I had a really great blog about Annaleigh’s birthday all white out and then of it was gone. And that pissed me off so I took a longer break. I’ll eventually rewrite it but not right now. It was a hard thing to write about.

Everything about life feels hard right now. For some reason I thought I’d get past her birthday and it would be like this huge weight of my shoulders and I’d see the world in color again. Everything would be alright again because I’d survived that first year. I’d made it through the year that was supposed to be the hardest.

Spoilers that wasn’t the case.

I’d been so dead set on handling that week well and getting through it without bracing down. And I did. I made it through without losing my mind. That is until Sunday. And then the years started and they just didn’t really stop.

A month out from her birthday pretty much and I’m going slightly better than the past few weeks. I don’t know. It all just seems hard. I want something to be easy. I want some part of this to be easy.

Living with grief, oy.

It’s a pain.

It’s exhausting.

It’s enough to break me down some days.

The worst day of my life- one year later

So it’s here.
October 14th.
One year ago today she was diagnosed.
One year ago today we were told she was dying.
She’d stopped growing a few weeks before.
Her fluid was low.
Her placenta was failing.
She was dying.
I can still remember that gut feeling.
I just knew what was coming.
I knew she was going to die.
It didn’t matter.
I still wasn’t prepared for those words to come out of that doctors mouth.
I hate that man.
I hate him for crushing my heart and for having no fucking clue how to be kind with breaking it to us.
Today is the day that crushed my fucking heart.
One whole year.
I miss the numbness that came with last year.

Capture Your Grief-Day 8

1785cbeafea4d46f74df1b0b89fcc692

 

Day 8

Resource

Family and friends have been my greatest resources since Annaleigh died

My parents were there from the diagnosis on making sure we were eating and helping to take care of the kids

They took care of everything with the funeral home

Came to appointments

My momma is the one who found Annaleigh’s urn

They took care of us till Eric went back to work

Hell they take care of us still

And my friends

I’ve met some of the best people since her death

Most of them I didn’t really know up till that point

They have held me up on my darkest days

They sent us food when they had only met me a few days prior

I’d been on an online message board for a few years and when I told them she was going to die they were there

We were sent a handmade burial given that is beautiful beyond words

We were sent food that was wonderful when I didn’t feel like moving to cook all we had to do was great it up

And my necklace that I never take off

10203488806849718

Capture Your Grief- Day 6

1785cbeafea4d46f74df1b0b89fcc692

 

Day 6

Books.

I love love love love books.

The more I have the better.

They are my happy place

I can shut out the entire world when I’m reading a good book.

And usually once I start I can’t put it down too I finish it.

Where I use to read thrillers and murder mysteries though I’ve gone to romance novels or fun light reads.

I can’t handle suspense now.

I need happy, where I know there’s going to be a happily ever after.

If I read enough happily ever after then I can forget for a little while.

60ccfe98dd634689af08a5f64e4a03a5

Capture Your Grief-Day 5

1785cbeafea4d46f74df1b0b89fcc692

 

Day 5- journal

I don’t have an actual journal.

This blog is my journal.

It was by far one of the best things I could have done for my healing.

I love having this place to come to and just let out all the feelings I have.

A place to share my daughter with the world.

To remember her always.

And to share the love.

5acb8d19d9a698cafceb4345b8d987ba